Me & You, Forever ♥

Monday, September 8, 2008

Memories

You know when you can't sleep and are tired of lying there staring into space, you will try to find something and do, right?

That's what i tried to do. I couldn't sleep and i suddenly felt like reading. I went to my book closet and opened the doors of it. And there i saw, my collection of cards.

All of my friends told me that Topman clothes are good and whatsoever. But here i have, something even better in this Topman plastic bag.

It's something called...

MEMORIES.

I took out the biggest card of all, exactly the size of that Topman plastic bag and started to read. I saw words left by Lin Hui, Li Yun, Ugine, Rody, Norman, Oliver, and tons of other peeps.

Smiles crept onto my face.

Then i went on reading. I saw cards given to me by April, by Jocelyn, by Rody and even by Wei Jie.

Suddenly, i realize that how come some people find it so easy to forgive them. Because they don't see leaders. They see people instead of leadership.

Upon reading all these cards and not remembering the things that they had done, i suddenly feel very much touched by all of it. I'm not saying if their actions are true and innocent or not, but if it's just based on the words alone, i'm sure that it had touched me.

But if i stood back and think of the things that had done and how their leadership works, i can't bring myself to forgive them. Probably this is a wound that will never heal. I've seen and feel things that normal people wouldn't. And maybe, just maybe because of this, i can't bring myself to forgive them or love them like how other normal people could.

Out of all those cards, i guess Rody is the only one that gave me the least cards. One, only one he had given me. But out of the authors of so many, he is the only one that is still on my heart right now.

Probably he had never hurt me before. Probably he's the one i've always seen getting hurt without him realizing. Somehow before i left, i wanted to protect him. But i guess, to someone who couldn't even protect herself, who is she to protect others.

I left just like what any other coward would do. I left, leaving him alone. Leaving him there bleeding, without him even realizing. Or even if he does, he doesn't try to stop people from killing him over and over again.

Leaving him alone in such a treacherous society is dangerous. But leaving him inside a thieves den isn't any better. Somehow, i still care for him and hope he's still fine. I guess, he's one of the few that really cared for me during the days when i was there. May it be times where i was being a young soul, or one that's rising up, or one that working alongside him, or one doing what he's doing, or one that has backslidden.

I remember him being really concerned on why would i become like this. And i couldn't tell you the reason. Because if i do, i would be destroying the only thing you believe and that, would hurt you more than anything.

Sometimes, it's not about knowing the truth anymore. This is one thing i've realized. What's the point of showing others the truth when they would never believe you.

Shakespeare once said it before, "A successful liar doesn't have to lie anymore to cover up his lies. Because for those who believes in him would be his guardian."

And if so, why should i go and uncover who the liar is. Those who believes in him would have be his guardian and not believe in me no matter what proof i lay before their eyes.

But even having said all this, i suddenly thought of the people that has been innocently drawn into this. I really feel like just sending them a email, but i guess, all these would have been seen as actions trying to draw them away from church.

People whom i really do care. People whom i really think that they are innocent beings drawn into this. People whom had never hurt me. People whom i really still love even though we might not be spiritual siblings or friends anymore.

Rody and Jocelyn. I have no idea why, but these two names and faces are deeply etched in my heart, on a good note though. They are memories that made me smile not frown. Cry with tears and not pain.

I wonder how are they now. I wonder if they're leading an awesome life, just like i am. I wonder if they have true friends around them, just like i do. I hope they are doing well, and that's all i can do.

"Thank You~~"

It's not a worship song that we had all once sang. It's the starting of a card that April had wrote for me. Thanking me for bringing her back. I remember the days where she gave me and i never got pass the first line.

It was awesome memories, i would have to say.

And speaking of bringing back, i thought of Shi Cong. I hope he's doing well too and not being tied down by anything. I utterly regret for bringing him there. He's a A-star student, studying in Temasak JC, one of the top 5 JCs in Singapore at the point he entered. I'm not sure about now though.

He's one senior whom i cliqued, and cliqued pretty well in fact. To the point where i can bring him there and let him stay there. I regretted, but there's nothing else i can do. Sometimes, i hope he can scold me straight in my face for ruining his life. But being a cowardly me, i changed my MSN, i blocked and deleted them and ran far far away from them.

Somehow, some of them hold my dearest memories and others hold my dearest hatred. And to say that do i love or detest them, i guess, it's neither.