Me & You, Forever ♥

Friday, July 30, 2010

shitless

Oh my darling boy,

I think you will break my heart. Or hurt me really badly in the least.

Boy oh boy. You scared me shitless.

Why isn't it literal?

Wow!! I'm so tired that I actually forgot I wanted to rant and simply shut down by computer. Three cheers for iPhone though.

Alright. My eyes are burning and I have no idea why am I still here. I have been working more than I expected but I don't think it's enough. I think I am screwed tomorrow and I still have a fight to attend.

FML

Ah wells. Will talk about this student abuse tomorrow. Time to sleep now.

Bye!!

Will you know the answer?

I'm only giving myself ten minutes to be dysfunctional so I guess I better be fast in typing this.

I have so many other commitments, promises to fulfill and deadlines to meet that I have no idea why do I have to put myself through this.

H has been through a lot, so do I. And this isn't even what I want to talk about.

Sigh. The whole cycle is going through again.

Maybe, I should look for a guy who's an otaku. A true otaku.

I'm sorry for not being a party animal. For not liking to immerse myself in the club scene, in fooling about. I'm sorry for not even liking to drink.

But I don't remember stopping you from doing so.

I know when you told you me that the reason for not doing so is for my sake, I know I'm happy on the inside.

Who am I kidding? Of course I am.

I don't show it. I can't show it, can I?

I don't want to stop you from having fun, with or without me. By showing I'm happy when you chose not to go, I'm doing my part of stopping you. I don't want to do this, that's why I can't show you I'm happy.

I'm selfish. Way selfish. I don't want to go means I don't want to go. I know I didn't stand in your viewpoint to think about it, I know I'm a selfish bitch, yes I do, yes I do know.

Sometimes, many times, I've thought of letting you go. You would seem to be happier without me. I think you would be. But I'm selfish once again. A little part of me seems to want to hang on.

Tell me, what should I do?

If you can find happiness without me, please tell me. So I can let you go.

No matter how selfish I am, I would never be the kind of person who would want to make you unhappy with my existence. If you can be happier without me, tell me. I will let you go.

With much difficulty, but I will.

Because your heart is not the only fist-sized organ that's hurting every time you got dysfunctional and I know I am part of the cause of it.

Sometimes, I'm glad I met you during the time when I'm weakest. Sometimes, I think if I can get through that point without you, I'll heal. Definitely I will. I have friends around me. Real friends, if I am able to think that way.

I'll heal and move on. Like a brave bitch I am. And you'll still waste your life away, happily in the least.

I want to clench my fingers tightly around yours, not wanting to let go. But I don't think this little spot beside you is for me. I'm too boring for you. I'm not an interesting person. Not even fun to begin with. I don't party like you do, and I'll never like it.

We're from two different worlds. Like heaven and hell, Arctic and Hawaii. Of two different poles, no similarities at all.

I don't want you to change who you are. To compromise yourself just to be together. I want you to live the life you want. To be happy.

You can say you're happy with me. Bullshit. I know what you want. I have a knack in knowing things.

I know what I want.

I only just want to be happy.

I want you to be happy.

Together... or not.

Oh sadness sadness sadness set me free
Oh 孤單孤單孤單 let me free

Thursday, July 29, 2010

I have ten million things to do and I'm feeling under the weather.

Am bleeding too. Dammit.

Wednesday, July 28, 2010

Struggles

Life is all about struggling.

To either learn how to swim or die trying.

You don't have much choice. Well, actually the only choice you have is the choice of your death. And not even everyone has the luxury of making that choice.

We die. In a pretty way or not, is a different matter.

Do we die smiling or kicking and screaming is a different matter.

I know I'm going to go down and under. So I better make some plans to drag some people down with me.

I have a list and I'm not afraid of writing your name on it.

Struggle hard in life people. It's all pointless. But at least, it's gives you an illusion. An illusion of you having a purpose in life.

tired

I'm tired of smiling and laughing while pretending everything is alright.

Have you ever seen a rock which bleeds?

Alone

I don't like to stay alone at home.

Alright, not alone as in alone. Parents are home along with me, yes, but it's a different thing altogether.

What I mean was, I don't like being at home when H goes out.

No, I'm not trying to mean that I don't want him to have fun without me. I mean, it's alright for him to do so. I'm not that much of a possessive bitch, but I just don't like it.

It's just a feeling inside me.

Anyone out there has this too?

So torn in between letting him have fun and letting myself be happy.

Ah wells. Am chatting with people online right now. Trying to make myself a tad busier and not to think about him outside, having fun instead of being at home, accompanying my poor virtual little self.

Yeah. Think of me as a loser, please.

I think I will try to make a new look for this place and do some work tonight.

And Wei Yi is ignoring me. I talked to him and apparently he has nothing to talk to me. I feel sad.

At least GL is still talking to me. YAY.

And oh!! I'm excited about April's virgin club trip. I so wanna be there to see what she's going to do in a club. Though, there's nothing much you can do in one, right?

Speaking of virgin club trips, mine was boring. Way boring. Okay. Got to know this cute guy. Not that purposeless after all. But not in contact with him anymore. FML.

Okay. I'm bored. Maybe I'll stare at my blank wall for a while.

Tuesday, July 27, 2010

100 ways to say I love you

I adore you.
I am infatuated with you.
I appreciate you.
I can’t live without you.
I can’t stop thinking about you when we’re apart.
I cherish you.
I dream of you.
I live for our love.
I love being around you.
I need you by my side.
I need you.
I respect you.
I value you.
I want a lifetime with you.
I want you.
I worship you.
I yearn for you.
I’m a better person because of you.
I’m blessed to have you in my life.
I’m devoted to you.
I’m fond of you.
I’m lost without you.
I’m nothing without you.
I’m passionate about you.
I’m thankful for you.
I’m yours.
Me and you. Always.
My love is unconditional.
Our love is invaluable.
Take me, I’m yours.
The thought of you brings a smile to my face.
Together, forever.
We were meant to be together.
You are a blessing in disguise.
You are an angel from God.
You are like a candle burning bright.
You are my crush.
You are my dear.
You are my everything.
You are my heart’s desire.
You are my life.
You are my one and only.
You are my one true love.
You are my reason for living.
You are my strength.
You are my sunshine.
You are my treasure.
You are my world.
You are precious.
You are the light of my life.
You are the reason I’m alive.
You bring happiness to rainy days.
You bring joy to my life.
You cast a spell on me that can’t be broken.
You complete me.
You drive me wild.
You fill me with desire.
You fill my heart.
You give me wings to fly.
You had me from hello.
You hold the key to my heart.
You inspire me.
You intoxicate me.
You lift me up to touch the sky.
You light my flame.
You light up my life.
You make me hot.
You make my heart skip a beat.
You make my world a better place.
You mean the world to me.
You motivate me.
You rock my world.
You seduce me.
You set my heart on fire.
You simply amaze me.
You stole my heart.
You sweeten my sour days.
You turn my world upside down.
You turn the darkness into light.
You’re a dream come true.
You’re a gem.
You’re a twinkle in my eye.
You’re absolutely wonderful.
You’re all I want.
You’re as beautiful as a sunset.
You’re beautiful.
You’re charming.
You’re enchanting.
You’re heavenly.
You’re my angel.
You’re my perfect match.
You’re one in a million.
You’re priceless.
You’re sexy.
You’re the apple of my eye.
You’re the best thing that ever happened to me.
You’re the best.
You’re the diamond in the rough.
You’re the one for me.
I love you.

how can a goat be a sea-goat

And so, the lion fell in love with the ~~lamb~~ sea-goat

... Literally.

Thursday, July 22, 2010

("V")

So many things in my head, so many things I wanna say.

But I just can't say it out.

I'm sorry heart for having to let you go through this.

Dear heart,

Feel better soon, kay?

Love,
Joycelyn

Sunday, July 18, 2010

Wait for me

Got a million and one things in my head and a million and one things to blog.

Wait for me. I shall be back soon (hopefully tonight) to sit in front of my lappie for an hour straight without any disturbances to talk.

Good things and bad. You little site, wait for me :))

Tuesday, July 13, 2010

Sneezing never felt so good!! Ooh baby, yes. LOL

How funny that once a bed too small for me now seems so huge just the first night I'm sleeping alone. How my own "it's-so-fluffy-I'm-going-to-die" pillow can't be compared to an arm for a pillow.

I hate waking up to people nagging and scolding me. I miss how He would wake up, tries to wake me up and fail... terribly, stumbled out of bed into the cold to switch on the heater. All the while, I did nothing but groan and fall back into dreamland.

I like how he feeds me some of his food too. Or sone of mine, if I may say.

Some may say I got unlucky yesterday. My lappie's motherboard burned and died. And I wasn't in the best of mood when I'm trying to tell H how to pay for his extension of visa.

But all was worth it the moment both of us realized it was approved. I say I got lucky :)

Wishing

I remembered falling asleep beside H on the comforters on the floor just last night and having him to wake me up and shoo me to bed. I remember lying beside him the night before yesterday, talking and laughing until the both of us fell asleep. I remember the heart-to-heart talk 3 nights ago where promises and tears were formed.

It's almost 4am now and why am I alone in my bed, typing an entry.

I can bet with myself that I wouldn't be able to wake up tomorrow. And even if I can, I would miss having someone to climb out into that horrible cold to switch on the water heater for me as I continue to laze for another 15 minutes.

Sigh. How I wish he's by my side now.

愛的最高境界就是習慣

我愛你
所以我想多跟你在一起

多跟你在一起
我就會習慣你在我身邊

習慣你在我身邊
我就會想要依賴你

依賴了你
我就更習慣有你在我身邊

更習慣有你在我身旁
我就更加愛你

更加愛你
我就更想要永遠在一起

更想永遠在一起
就像永遠不分開

想永遠不分開

就這樣約定好了哦

Monday, July 12, 2010

Sympathy

My sympathy overflows for him. He possibly don't need it but he feels so sad.

Dear God, please make him feel better soon. But if you wanna destroy him, by all means too. Heh. Oh well, I be kidding :)

老公~

It had been long. Way too long for us to be still holding grudges. Way to long for us to not be able to get over it.

The yearnings, remorse, guilt, love, affection... They are all gone. Gone from the special little place within me. Not because I'm so much of a cold, selfish and heartless motherfucker bitch, but more of the fact that I had stopped feeding that part of me.

I didn't forget G. Neither do I hate him anymore. The only feeling I had towards him would be how sorry I am towards him. Though in all honesty, I knew I've done wrong, but I do not regret one bit in doing it.

I do mention G in front of Hei. And how he'll always be mad and jealous that I kept on mentioning him. G wasn't a bad guy. I rather be the sinner in this place, but the truth might be we just aren't the right one for each other.

Maybe I can't be brave enough to burn away my masks. Maybe I can only be with a guy who can look through my masks. H had been doing it. He knows how annoyed and speechless I am, and he knows why. But a stubborn little mule he is. He does nothing to pacify me till much later afterwards.

I loved G. I ain't afraid to say. Maybe we both met the wrong person at the wrong time. But I thank the high heavens for knowing him. Yes, I love him no more. I feel for him no more, but that doesn't mean he hasn't taught me to treat my future boys better.

I may still love awkwardly, but I'm giving all my heart to H. He changed. A lot. I remembered the first time I've met him, a player in my terms. But he has settled down much.

At times, I still am annoyed with how childish and annoying he is, but his apology and concern which he showered on me once he realized I'm pissed with him makes me feel a lot better.

I love H. With him just by me, my eyes and heart has no place for anyone else. I'm so afraid one day, the one day where he is going to leave me. The talk had been on the table for months. I given him the freedom to go, if he wants to. It'll be difficult for him if he chose to stay.

He said he had nothing now. He has no more cash. Would I still stay by him. I told him all he has to do is to promise me his love. If he can, I care nothing about money. Foolish boy chose to stay. With nothing under his name.

His sacrifice touched me. I was indeed moved. The eyes that shown with love, the hands that warms my heart...

I didn't believe in true love. I keep a little bit of myself every time I love someone. I didn't dare to step outin faith.

I had no idea when did H pulled me out of this. I trusted him and bit by bit, put more of myself out. Now, I'm empty of my own but am filled with his.

Maybe, one day, we could be married. Or maybe, someday, we'll end up with different people, but no matter what the case may be, all I know now is that I only has eyes for him and I love him.