Friday, July 30, 2010
Will you know the answer?
I'm only giving myself ten minutes to be dysfunctional so I guess I better be fast in typing this.


I have so many other commitments, promises to fulfill and deadlines to meet that I have no idea why do I have to put myself through this.


H has been through a lot, so do I. And this isn't even what I want to talk about.


Sigh. The whole cycle is going through again.


Maybe, I should look for a guy who's an otaku. A true otaku.


I'm sorry for not being a party animal. For not liking to immerse myself in the club scene, in fooling about. I'm sorry for not even liking to drink.


But I don't remember stopping you from doing so.


I know when you told you me that the reason for not doing so is for my sake, I know I'm happy on the inside.


Who am I kidding? Of course I am.


I don't show it. I can't show it, can I?


I don't want to stop you from having fun, with or without me. By showing I'm happy when you chose not to go, I'm doing my part of stopping you. I don't want to do this, that's why I can't show you I'm happy.


I'm selfish. Way selfish. I don't want to go means I don't want to go. I know I didn't stand in your viewpoint to think about it, I know I'm a selfish bitch, yes I do, yes I do know.


Sometimes, many times, I've thought of letting you go. You would seem to be happier without me. I think you would be. But I'm selfish once again. A little part of me seems to want to hang on.


Tell me, what should I do?


If you can find happiness without me, please tell me. So I can let you go.


No matter how selfish I am, I would never be the kind of person who would want to make you unhappy with my existence. If you can be happier without me, tell me. I will let you go.


With much difficulty, but I will.


Because your heart is not the only fist-sized organ that's hurting every time you got dysfunctional and I know I am part of the cause of it.


Sometimes, I'm glad I met you during the time when I'm weakest. Sometimes, I think if I can get through that point without you, I'll heal. Definitely I will. I have friends around me. Real friends, if I am able to think that way.


I'll heal and move on. Like a brave bitch I am. And you'll still waste your life away, happily in the least.


I want to clench my fingers tightly around yours, not wanting to let go. But I don't think this little spot beside you is for me. I'm too boring for you. I'm not an interesting person. Not even fun to begin with. I don't party like you do, and I'll never like it.


We're from two different worlds. Like heaven and hell, Arctic and Hawaii. Of two different poles, no similarities at all.


I don't want you to change who you are. To compromise yourself just to be together. I want you to live the life you want. To be happy.


You can say you're happy with me. Bullshit. I know what you want. I have a knack in knowing things.


I know what I want.


I only just want to be happy.


I want you to be happy.


Together... or not.


Oh sadness sadness sadness set me free
Oh 孤單孤單孤單 let me free




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