I'm multi-talented. I can talk and piss you off at the same time.


I understand that Scissors can beat paper, and i get how Rock can beat Scissors, but there's no fucking way Paper can beat Rock. Paper is supposed to magically wrap around Rock leaving it immobile? Why the hell can't Paper do this to Scissors? Screw Scissors, why can't paper do this to people? Why isn't notebook paper constantly suffocating students while they take notes in class? I'll tell you why: because paper can't beat anybody; a rock could tear that shit up in two seconds. When i play rock/paper/scissors, i always choose rock. Then when somebody claims to beat me with their paper, i can punch them in the face with my already clenched fist and say, "Oh shit, i'm sorry. I thought paper would protect you, you asshole!"


If you can smile when things to go wrong, you have someone in mind to blame.


When i'm feeling down, i like to whistle. It makes the neighbor's dog run to the end of his chain and gag himself.


You were looking good from afar. Now you're far from looking good.


Learn from your parents' mistakes, use birth control!


The universe is laughing behind your back.


Those of you who think you know everything are annoying those of us who do.


Are you thinking what i'm thinking that i think that you're thinking i'm thinking because if you think that i think what i think i'm thinking then, we've got a problem?


Honesty is the best policy but insanity is the best defense.


I'm not crazy, it's just that my reality is just different from yours.


A positive attitude may not solve all your problems, but it will annoy enough people to make it worth the effort.


Love your enemies, it pisses them off.


The human race is lucky that i'm a nice guy, otherwise only a quarter would be alive right now.


Sometimes when i reflect back on all the beer i drink i feel ashamed. Then i look into the glass and think about the workers in the brewery and all of their hopes and dreams. if i didn't drink this beer, they might be out of work and their dreams would be shattered. Then i say to myself, "It is better that i drink this beer and let their dreams come true than be selfish and worry about by liver."


Life is like a rollercoaster and i'm about to throw up.


I don't suffer from insanity. I enjoy every minute of it.


I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.


Don't take life too seriously, nobody gets out alive.


You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me.


Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.


I'm not a complete idiot, some parts are missing.


Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.


The trouble with life is that there is no background music.


It is as bad as you think and they are out to get you.


Ever stop to think and forget to start again?


A committee should consist of three men, two of whom are absent.


A conslusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.


Basic research is what i'm doing when i don't know what i'm doing.


Don't trust anything that bleeds for five days and doesn't die.


I intend to live forever - so far so good.


I like work. It fasinates me. I can sit and look at it for hours.


I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.


I'm not sure what's wrong. But it's probably your fault.


Join the army, meet interesting people, kill them.


Light travel faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until they speak.


Living on Earth is expensive. But it does include a free trip around the Sun.


People are seldom too busy to stop and tell you how busy they are.


People who ahve no faults are terrible; there is no way of taking advantage of them.


Reality? That's where the pizza delivery guy comes from!


Sex is like air; it's not important unless you aren't getting any.


Sex on television can't hurt you unless you fall off.


Should vegetarians eat animal crackers?


Smile, it's the second best thing you can do with your lips.


Sometimes i just sit and think and sometimes, i just sit.


Support bacteria - they're the only culture some people have.


The number one problem in our country is apathy, but who cares!


The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.


There's too much blood in my caffeine system.


This place is so werid that the cockroaches moved next door.


Time is the best teacher; unfortunately it kills all its students!


Why do people who know the least know it the loudest?


You can thank your lucky stars that everything i wish for will never come true.


The world will end tomorrow (unless postponed by rain).


I'm smiling. That should scare you.


Sending postcards from a plane crash saying "Wish you were here".


If a stranger offers you a piece of candy, take two.


Before you insult somebody you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way when you insult them you'll be mile away and have their shoes!


If worms had guns, birds wouldn't mess with them.


I never admit or deny anything, it makes me more interesting.


Don't take candy from strangers unless they offer you a ride.


We're all given some sort of skill in life. Mine just happens to be beating up on people.


We American's, we're simple people. But piss us off, and we'll bomb your cities.


Karate is a form of martial arts in which people who have had years and years of training and using only their hands and feet, make some of the worst movies in the history of the world.


God grant me the serenity to accept the things i cannot change, the courage to change the things i can and the weaponry to make the difference.


I fight for what i believe in. I'm a mercenary, and i believe in money.


If i want your opinion, i'll read it in your entrails.


Assassins Inc. We aim to please.


I am free, no matter what rules surround me. If i find them tolerable, i tolerate them; if i find them too obnoxious, i break them. I am free because i know that i alone am morally responsible for everything i do.


Get plenty of sleep. Be kind to your mind. You'll miss it when it's gone.


Whatever do you, don't congratulate yourself too much. You're not that good.


Dance, even if you have to warn others to get out of the way first.


Intelligence doesn't have to mean educated. And creative doesn't have to mean talented.


Bullshit: the art of making the idiotic sound sensible.


Angry people need hugs (or sharp objects).


The funniest thing about this message is that by the time you realize it doesn't say anything, it's too late for you to stop reading it, you dumb fuck.


By the time you read this you've already read it.


Restraining orders are just another way of saying i love you.


We don't neccessarily discriminate. We simply exclude certain types of people.


I haven't commit a crime. What i did was fail to comply with the law.


I do not like this word, "bomb". It is not a bomb. It is a device that explodes.