Me & You, Forever ♥

Tuesday, April 7, 2009

I don't wanna believe, i just want hallelujah <33 12012

A few years back, i was sitting in that room, wondering to myself...

"Can the future me really be smiling at this?"

A silent tear rolled down my cheek, disappearing as soon as it appeared. Heck no am i going to let those two jerks sitting in front of me see that.

But now, sitting comfortably wrapped up in my blankets while chatting with Gary, i think i can answer the poor girl who hid her tears then.

Now with confidence, i can answer,

"I truly am smiling now. I can even laugh at that day without any qualms. For i am free. It's was a long journey, but i truly am smiling now."

Yes, i can never forget this little conversation bit,

Roy: Ching, were you sexually abused when you were young?

-pauses for 2 seconds-

Me: No?

-lagged for another second before realizing his question-

Me: NO!

I have no idea where he got this idea but it had been an inside joke with April and me for years.

Most people would think that when i say 'SA', it'll be Special Academy, Sonic Arts -blah blah blah- or something of that sort. But never have they thought it would be Sexually Abused.

LOL!!

I really can't forget this, ever. It's so insulting to me personally that i kept in my head even till now. Even till the contents during that short conversation were forgotten, i can never forget bits and pieces of it.

Man, i've no idea but while talking with Gary about Wei Jie and Wei Min, i suddenly got all confused again. I mean, even up till now, although i always said that i hate weijie, i still find myself not being able to properly hate him.

Yes, the pain that were caused by him are supposedly able to make me detest him for the rest of my life, but i guess i can't blame him. Who asked me to be the one who trusted him that much.

I always knew never to trust someone. Trusting someone is the start of one's downfall, as what i've learned and experienced.

I thought i would have never be able to trust someone in my entire life. Until i met him. He was the last person i thought i would place my trust in, but as time passes, foolishly, i started to trust him more and more. I looked upon him as my leader, my brother, my friend.

As many would know, i rarely am able to look upon someone as my leader, but he managed to. He managed to make me look upon him as my leader.

Till the end, i trusted him till the end. I didn't tell him anything, cause i trusted him to have the same trust in me. I trusted him to believe in me. I trusted him to at least have a little faith in me.

But it seemed that i overestimated myself. I never realized i was nothing before him.

Even still, at the end of the day, i didn't tell him anything. And so obviously, he didn't knew anything. I chose to leave with bitterness and broken faith.

He was the one who taught me how to trust and yet he was also the one who made me not able to place any trust in anyone else again.

I remembered Roderick asking weijie why would i turn out to be this way. The answer Rody got was something i wish i can spat on.

If i say weijie don't know anything then Rody must be clueless. But before anyone accuse me of judging again, i believe i should stop here.

But based on what April and i both see, i only have three words to say.

"HA, my ass."

I have a crazy mother. She wakes up in the middle of the night and pour soy sauce on the floor. And i have to clean it up.

I rolled my eyes. Alright, maybe her mother practices a little favoritism (that i have to agree then, however i'm not sure now) but definitely not mad.

So maybe i have no rights to say anything because i've not stayed with them at all, but April did. I think April can agree with me that the particular some one's mom aren't mad at all.

I believe i told someone whom i've known through blogging, a CHC leader if i'm not wrong about some things. Names are definitely not mentioned but i did told him some of the things that went through my mind.

I remembered telling him :

about 'how she used the people in there'
about the 'condemnation'
about the 'politics'
about 'how they don't see'
about the 'ugliness i've seen'
about the 'cursing (not profanities, but true blue cursing)
about the 'insults'

I never met him personally but was glad he stood by me during those times. Reading back our mails made me laugh dryly, but i acknowledged and appreciate the fact that he was encouraging me in his own way.

He never looked upon me as a problematic child or someone who are all out to cause him trouble. He accepted me. But sadly, i can't accept him the same way he graciously did. We have too varying views and one day, we'll hurt each other just like how church and me ended up.

I was glad i had such a friend like him. How many times in life have i yearned for someone whom i can talk to.