Me & You, Forever ♥

Tuesday, August 3, 2010

I want...

I'm too selfish. I really am not worth it.

Thank you for trying to reassure me. I'm not trying to give you up. Neither am I trying to give myself up.

I need time. I think.

Maybe Adam Lambert's (truly hot gay, by the way) Whadaya Want From Me came at a right time.

I loved that song.

Yes, past tense. And no, not only because I saw his unedited face.

Truth.

Promises. I loved that word.

And am still loving it.

But I'm confused. And annoyed. Very much.

I can't deny I was overwhelmed by guilt. But by now, it has morphed into annoyance.

No, not anger yet. Just mere annoyance.

Just don't give up, I'm working it out.

Please don't give in, I won't let you down.

Heck. What am I trying to say.

Am I giving false hopes?

Why am I constantly searching for a place to breathe. Maybe it's easier to live like water, conforming myself into whichever shape the container that I'm placed into.

No, that's not being flexible or versatile. That's just going with the flow. Pretty literal with that analogy too, isn't it?

Yeah. It seems way easier to live that way.

I have expectations. People have expectations. People has expectations for me. People expects me to reach that expectation. Sorry, I can't.

It's not that I don't wish to. It's not that I'm weak. It's that, I can and maybe I will do it. Just let me see a purpose in doing it. Let me understand. Let me have a place to breathe when I need to. A place to rest when I'm tired. Then I'll do it.

I'm just tired now.

I've been hiding too long. Running away for too long. It's difficult to try and face it. It's difficult to run away. But it's the most difficult trying to face it while running away.

I want to face it, straight on too. But I can't. I'm too tired.

I don't wish to say that you don't understand me. That's childish and too many had said it. It's not that simple.

It's not just about understanding. I don't care do you understand me or not.

I just want a place to breathe when I feel breathless. A place to rest when I feel tired.

I may be asking for too much. How many people could breathe? Could rest?

But I want to. I just want to take a breather. A rest.

I'm tired. Not from you. But from things.

Not from this. Not from that. It's just that too many things happened at once.

And containing within myself could not help anymore. And I can't say it out. I'm just am not used in saying it. To express.

Like a bowl under running water. Like a clogged pipe. There's only so much more water I can hold.

It's overflowing. And it's getting too heavy for me. I'm not tipping. I'm overflowing.

And I need a place to pour all my water away. But I can't. You know that. Because I've been saying it throughout this entry and everywhere else.

I don't need you to help me pour the water away. I just need someone to be the place for me to pour the water.

And by pouring the water, I don't mean I need someone to be there for me to pour my sorrows out.

Typing so many 'pours' in an entry made me think of that sentence and I got this feeling, people would misunderstand. So NO. I don't need someone to listen to me. I probably just need someone to make me smile. To make me laugh.

I miss happy times. Times where something funny happens and I laugh. And laugh and laugh. And when I think back about it again, I could still laugh.

I miss the smiles and laughter I used to have.

I long for the time where I laughed till I couldn't breathe. Where my tummy hurts. When I couldn't even stand.

Yes, I think I just want to be happy.

I'm sick and tired of being numb. I want to feel... again.

That's all I want.