Me & You, Forever ♥

Monday, March 9, 2009

Poor pathetic guy

Man, i think i'm getting a lot dumber than before. Gosh, give me something that i can work my brain with. Maths, science, computing, cognitive, WHATEVER!! Just throw them in my face!!

Ah wells, i had been thinking a little after reading Pril's entry. Seems like all mothers do care about one thing (though i'm glad momo's friends aren't like hers *pats april* you have my sympathy)...

what can we do in the future

As much as i want to play that song for Momo again but i tried to restrain myself. I have once again assured her i WILL get a degree for her... someday, somehow, some place.

Even if she doesn't want me to get one, i'll get one anyways. I've been even thinking about getting at least a Master cert. I mean, if Jie can do it, why can't i?

But that's one thing i realized in common. All of us (and yes, i mean all) always seem to worry about our future one way or other.

Will i go to heaven or hell when i die?
What can i work when i graduate?
Will i be able to graduate?
Can i survive in the society?

... blah blah blah.

I'm not saying planning for your future/thinking about the possibilities that might happen are bad. And even i think those are good. But worrying yourself over all these are not.

I mean, go ahead and think and plan, it's all good and fine. But if you're going to worry and be paranoid, then i think that is unnecessary.

Whatever happens, happen. If it is going to, it will be. No matter how much you worry yourself over it, it will still happen/it will still not going to happen.

It's ridiculous. The amount of things people go nuts about the future. I don't deny the fact that i do that too, for the future is something all of us don't know and humans will have the sense of insecurity over the things we don't know.

Try and deny this but somewhere deep down, you'll know it's true.

I mean, haven't you had the little quiet gnawing feeling inside you when you think about the bad things that might happen/what the results might be?

I have and i think most humans would have it too.

But more often than not, i laugh at me having these thoughts. I mean, why should we worry about something that's not here yet. Whatever it is, i'll deal with it when it comes. I can prepare for all the possibilities that may happen but isn't that tiring? Isn't it better for me to do the best i can now and hope that the results are desirable? And if it's not, then solve it/make it better.

Rather than wasting my time thinking of all the things that might not even happen, i would prefer to spend it away, sleeping.
xP

I don't know but April, you get what i mean, don't you? (Sometimes, i just want to tell that to my mom so so SO much.)
:D

And yes, i've realized this too. My memory is really really bad for some reason of some sort. I don't recall having such bad memory in the past.

Is it true that your memory would become worse as you're trying to protect yourself subconsciously?

If so, i blame them.

But i forgot why, but i told Gary that i feel Lucifer is a really poor guy who deserves my sympathy.

I mean, the only wrong thing he did was to think that he can be better than god and he got punished and sent down to hell. I mean, is it his fault for thinking he can be someone better or is it his fault that the big guy is such a egoistic fella that he can't accept competition?

Who determines what is right and wrong? Not you or me. But you AND me. The majority determines what is right or wrong.

And now, just because of one ambitious act (as how Garweee said: ambition), he got blamed for every other sin. If someone did something wrong, it'll be said as the 'act of the devil'. What? An angel of music, who thought that maybe one day, he can be better than who he is now, better than someone else, and because of that, was banished.

Does this mean we should be contented with what we have now? With my diploma, i should be contented and not further my studies? Should i not fight for my own? Should i accept what is given to me?

If my mom said i'm a failure/i can never surpass her/i'm only her shadow/i can only follow her, i would definitely stand up for myself and say NO.

To be give a choice, to lead or to follow, which will you choose? To control over your own fate or let someone else who had power over you to control your every move and status.

I want to fight for myself. Why should i let someone govern over me? I don't want to live as the shadow of someone else. I am the master of my own life, i am not your shadow.

If you're my leader, prove it to me. I'm not going to follow your lead unless you show me you can lead me. And if i think you're not worthy enough to lead me, i will have a competition with you to see who truly have the capabilities. In this case, it's a 'may the best man win' thingy, or at least that's what i feel.

And if you refuse to accept my competition and kick me out of the team, i'll just think you're a sore loser who can't accept my challenge as a true man/hero. If you have the ability, fight me. Prove it to me. If you know you can win me/if you think you have the true capabilities to lead me/are better than me, then win me and i'll follow you and be loyal to you forever.

Because you told everyone you're a leader who can truly lead with your capability. You have the skill to lead/guide us.

But if you just choose to run away from the fight and throw me out from your team, this only tells me one thing. You're afraid. You don't know if you're able to prove me wrong/if you would embarrass yourself in front of other peeps, that's why you have no guts to accept my challenge.

These are merely what my thoughts are. There's no right or wrong to it. They're just thoughts. But then again, what's right and what's wrong? No one can have a certain answer. You may have your point of view and i can have my thoughts. But is there a definite answer as to yours being right or mine being accurate? No, i don't think so. There can only be a answer as to more people believing in your ideas or more people trusting my notion.

Ah wells. This is just what i thought. And this is my blog, isn't it?
*big big smile*

And i was also thinking, i may take a longer time than others to recall the things that had happened but i'm glad Gary waited for me to go through my memory lane and try and recall.

Many times during that train journey, he could have said, 'forget it' or stuff like that. He did gave me time to think (or he might have given up and thought i was just avoiding his question *squints*) but i really put in effort to try and recall.

To the point i remembered the number of times i've met him.

Halloween.
AMK sushi thingy
LJS
Him back to Oman with his crappy wireless
Xmas shopping
Xmas eve
Birthday
New year
Vivo
Woke me up at freaking 6 in the morning and saw me literally dead after class
Met him at AMK hub after his NYP tour thingy?

...blah blah blah

See, within that short few minutes, i went back one by one until halloween. Say though-i-might-have-a-bad-memory-but-i can-do-a-good-search-if-given-the-time NOW!!

*looks away*
Though it was Gary who reminded me about the 2nd and 3rd meeting (i can remember the things that happened that day but i just missed it out kinda of thingy :X)

Ah wells. It's already 504am. Let me do some other stuff before sleeping, aites? I want a little me-surfing-net time too.
:D

P/s: And Gary knew the guy whom i had a crush on before him... and not even April knows about that.

O.O
*gasp*

No Gary, you can't tell April and April, you can ask him either.
:D

*bites lips*
Oops.