Me & You, Forever ♥

Friday, March 6, 2009

How much it hurts

Screw it. Just screw it. Why do i even fucking care? Tell me, what am i doing this for? Dada knows you don't like to do paperwork, you even flared up at Dada before because of the excessive amount of paperwork, that all of us understand. And due to that, Dada asked me to help out instead of you.

We all know your huge load of burden. You have to work, you have to do household chores, you have to pay for this and that, we all know. That's why when Dada asked me to help, did i refuse? I didn't, as much as i hated to do it as much as you, but still i did it. Writing sucks, do you know how my wrist felt after yesterday's load? Do you know how my shoulders are aching even now? Did i complain to you? Did i flare up to you? Did i even grumble or want a penny for writing/printing/helping out?

I did it because i really want to do something to lighten both of your loads. I didn't want anything in return. I felt lonely working so late into the night by myself but not one time had i want to stop doing it. I did it with utmost willingness just because you're my parents and i want to treat you as one.

It's really hard for me to sleep and i finally could fall asleep at 7. If i can, i would have treasured every second of my sleeping time because they don't come easily. I'm used to functioning without sleep and i want to get as much of them as possible before i have to go without them again. But why must you come and wake me 4 hours later. Do you know how tired i felt? How exhausted i am?

But the final critical hit wasn't all this until you told me to only use MY laptop and not touch YOUR desktop.

So what? Isn't your husband my father?

WHAT?

I can choose not to touch YOUR desktop and wait for Dada to calculate everything out and find out that single one mistake and tells me what to do with it. He can do that and i can choose to let him do it.

But we all know how freaking tired he is, he's not that young anymore as all of us had seen with our very eyes. Something that i took one and a half hour might prove to be more to him. He can take nights or hours just to look for that one thing.

Aren't you the one complaining that money is never enough? Well, by being able to finish all this up quickly, then Dada can get his checks and money will come. I merely used YOUR desktop to try and calculate the total amount on close to 50 pages of quotations and you had to wake me up and roar at me?

I don't know but i just want to help Dada out. I don't care if anyone appreciates it or not, i don't even care if i get a word of appraisal or not. But i do care is that even with all these i do, you still come around and blame me.

Guess that "Parents would never praise you even when you get good/better grades but would punish you like hell if you get one mark lower than the previous" is true.

And Momo just came into my room and she saw me and went, "What happened? Share with me what happened." I knew i was crying silently but i didn't know i cried to the fact my eyes swelled.

The first thing Momo asked was, "Is it that guy?"

No Momo, not Garweeee. Never him.

Why is it that she would think it's someone else's fault when it is actually hers. Why wouldn't she realize that maybe at times, the one in the wrong could be ourselves.

She talked to me and explained and guess what she said initially?

"You know, you don't have to finish today. You can be more sensible and tell Dad if you finish by tonight. In the working force blah blah blah..."

And i listened. After she finished, i silently said, "I don't mind working late into the late even if Dada told me i can give it to him two nights later. I just don't want him to look page by page, line by line."

I just don't understand. Couldn't she see why i cried? Even after i told her? Why is she still thinking it's my/Dada's fault.

I told her it hurts. Her words pierced right through my heart.

The church people can scar me and stab me the way she did but it never hurts so much like one sentence from Momo.

Neither am i blaming her right now. It's just that i don't like her blaming so many people for something that's not even their fault.

If you want to blame, blame me alright? Continue to think it's my fault and flare up at me. Don't include parties that aren't involved.

And hearing Momo, i've realized what crap Jie had went through. Just because of one registration thingy, she can call Jie and talk to her in a really harsh voice. It's just one little registration thing, why do we have to strain our family ties?

Every single one in the family knows how hard it is to try and live together. But didn't we try to? We take it in our stride whenever we can. If possible, most of us try not to flare up, even if it means to keep everything inside, silently.

Could this be the reason as to why, ever since my primary school days, Jie had been living with Eden gor? She couldn't take it anymore, couldn't keep it inside her silently anymore and in order not to ruin the family relationship, she decide to keep it all to herself and move in with Eden gor?