Me & You, Forever ♥

Monday, March 2, 2009

what do i exactly want?

I really couldn't wake up today. I tried waking myself up so many times, but i simply couldn't. The minute i opened my eyes, they tried to close it again by themselves. Don't ask how much willpower and determination i used just to open my eyes and keep it there.

And it happened again on the train home. I tried to wake myself up when i was reaching AMK but i just couldn't. I have no idea i fell asleep again until i reached Khatib. Gosh, it's a good thing i woke up in time. Missing my stop would be annoying (though i might have taken 859 home if i woke up at Sembawang. Could at least sleep a good half an hour more on the bus home. :D)

Anyways, it had been a long time since i walked up/down stairs feeling my soles flat on the steps. It might seem normal but imagine me wearing heels/pumps/wedges instead of shoes most of the time.

I literally tiptoed up/down the stairs for the past few months. I didn't know walking on flat ground felt so good. I could stand without feeling aches in my toes (which i had already forgotten until i tried to move after standing still for half an hour) & keep absolute balance on the moving train/bus & walk really fast/walk bigger strides blah blah blah.

Yes, it has a lot of good points i may say but it's not going to replace my heels. I spent weeks breaking in to that wedge of mine and i'm not going to stop wearing it.

I can still remember the blister-phllia time with those shoes. I had so many cuts and blisters that i started to name all of them and felt sad when they were healed. But the swelling on both my little toes because of the wedge never went away.
):

Anyways, i'm going to wear that pair of wedges until it breaks apart. I'm not going through those painful weeks for nothing. I can literally run in those wedges already. It's just the balancing thingy that i'm still uncertain of.

And yes. I was doing paperwork for Dada and he said "2,3K more is alright". Deep inside my heart, i was yelling that if he ever tells me that when he's giving me my allowance, i'll worship him/kiss his feet/treat him as my own personal God.

Sadly, that's not going to happen. But a girl can hope, can she not?
:P

And i always can't help but feel sorry for myself at nights like this. Every night when i am helping Dada to finish his paperwork and when i'm finally done, waiting to pass it to him, i would realize both Momo and Dada had slept.

Somehow, just somehow, very deep down inside at a very little corner, i felt ever so lonely. What was i yearning? A thank you? Or someone to recognize my efforts? Or simply someone to be there with me?

It's always the same, i guess this is something in the Asian family where no matter how well you've done, you would receive no compliment but once you got a little worse than usual, sarcasms and scoldings are lined up all the way for days/weeks/months.

It has always been like that. When i got my O level results, having the score which wasn't too bad, there wasn't a single word of praise. When i got my results for Sem 1 and getting into the honor's roll, there wasn't a single word that i had done well either. Same goes for Sem 2.

I've told myself so many times to get used to this. If it had never happened once then why should i keep holding on to that invisible ray of hope that it would happen.

Sometimes i wonder why am i working so hard for? To get a single "Well done"? To prevent myself from getting tongue lashings? To hear her being able to tell her colleagues my grades without feeling a little tinge of humiliation that i'm not as good as others? Or simply, to see if history will change and maybe, just maybe they can start seeing me as someone who needs appreciation and motivation once in a while.