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Monday, May 4, 2009
Letting go
She asked me: What would make you break up with Gary?While i was thinking of my answer, she continued: Smoking? I looked at her (through webcam) and said: You know, i think... i really do love him. It's like the feeling where you put in so much feelings into him though you know you shouldn't, and all you felt you had left was just the last mouthful of pride you have. I stopped and saw her silhouette (she didn't switch on the lights for freaking sake) for a second before continuing: What would make me break out with him? To the point, i think i might be able to accept him being a social smoker, accept him snapping at me, accept him breaking his promises. I mean, i would be angry and pissed, but i think i would still forgive him at the end of the day. Probably the only thing that i can never accept would be him betraying me. She let out a significantly loud breathe before saying her thoughts: Yes, i was also thinking that you really liked him. Not that i have no idea why, but i don't think i should mention why as to how we ended up on this topic. But she just suddenly asked if Gary was my first boyf. I said it was my third until she told me her definition of a boyf. It was then that i realized that i had never been serious in my previous relationships. Let's just skip the first one for it was really apparent to everyone that neither party of us was serious. But my 2nd ex, it was weird. As in really weird for i totally had no feelings for him. He asked for a breakup and i accepted it. Without a tear or a heartache. Although i do indeed feel different as he suddenly disappeared from my life but there was no longing for him at all. Even when he asked for a patch up, i simply refused without any hestitation. I guess, i wasn't serious in that relationship from the start anyways. But this time it is different. To the point, where you put so much of yourself into him that you know you'll never be complete once he leaves you. Girls as girls. Or both of us as both of us. We know the importance of protecting ourselves very much. Before any start of a relationship, we would remind ourselves never to put ourselves into it. Just in case if this doesn't work out, we are still able to keep our hearts intact. But this time, it really is different. I had placed so much of myself that all i got left, is just this last mouthful of pride. If one day, if anything happens between us (please, no!!!), all i got left would be this last mouthful of pride. This would probably be the last thing that is keeping me strong on the outside, letting me be able to pretend that everything is alright and that i'm not hurt at all. I never know i can put myself in such a position, putting myself in such a vulnerable situation. But i do know now that i would never be the one letting go. And i know too, that this would only mean, if any one day (really, no please!!!), it would be him letting go of me... |
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Joycelyn
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