Me & You, Forever ♥

Friday, June 18, 2010

finally an ambigous blog

How is it that I felt it was such a long time since I last post an emotion-filled entry when the truth is, it is longer that I had posted something that was truly about my day and what I've done.

I could have talk about my loots (which I don't particularly like, by the way) and I could have talked about what happened today, but I just felt like talking about my feelings.

There are times where I really want to write something down, but I was so afraid someone would read it. I still find the oppressing pressure in letting someone know me so thoroughly.

Probably I'm not afraid of showing my true self and what I think to the world but rather, how would the world judge me and my true self. No wait, not the world. The world doesn't judge me, people does.

I want to talk about how I much I love this guy. I want to talk about how bad I felt every single time I got depressed and disappointed. I want to talk about my anger and frustration towards the things that I cannot change and be certain of. I want to talk about how hopeless I felt towards myself. I want to talk about the annoyance and stupidity about the people around me.

But every time I tried to talk about it, everything just turns into pretty masks with some hint of truth in them. Point being pretty masks and hints.

H once told me how he envy that I can look at everything with such a positive outlook and believed that everything could be solved. I smiled and said that truly everything would be alright.

Little did he know that though I might not be the melancholic person in the world but I have my own share of despondence.

How many times have I hated the world around me. How many times have I been angered at the situations I've been in. How many times have I cried without allowing myself to. How many times have I feel like tormenting myself till the point that I've completely died on the inside.

I didn't show it. I couldn't show it.

I am dysfunctional, no doubt. I wasn't born that way, neither was I raised that way. I made myself this way.

Every time when he said something that had silently put a stab through me, a course of pain ran through my heart to everywhere else inside me. But I didn't cringe. I couldn't cringe. I couldn't tell him that it hurts. I wasn't taught to do so. What I was taught was to smile and pretend it doesn't hurt. To laugh it off and have another little piece within me wither and die.

We were made to believe that being positive would make us feel better. That being happy would change everything. But I weren't happy then. I can't be. But I can't change the way I'm handling either. I've been doing this way too long for me to change.

Every time he said something it hurts, it does hurt. To the point where I feel it in every single part of myself.

But every time I've hurt him, it hurts too. The pain felt way stronger than how it feels when he hurt me.

I couldn't tell him that it hurts when he hurt me. Neither can I tell him that it hurts even more when I've hurt him.

Like a droid, I wasn't programmed in this way.

Like a droid without a heart and emotions, I don't know how to feel and neither can I feel.

Like a droid who throws away everything that she has, in exchange for one thing, for love.

She got her deal and she got to love and to love. But a droid is a droid. She can't love and don't know how to love. She can't feel and don't know how to feel.

But a deal is a deal, and all she knows is that she really do love her boy...a LOT.